Or maybe we shouldn’t.
Talking about it is such a Debbie Downer.
Shining a light on a topic that isn’t all that uplifting may seem a far reach for the ADDiva-Sunshine-Positivity blog. Especially when it is so personal. But darn it, depression has kept me in its crablike claws for too long. I am overdue for a little light.
How does depression creep in to my life? On little cat paws (thanks for that image Carl Sandburgh). There are Big Things that have certainly caused legitimate sadness and upset in my life, but depression is different. It’s not sad, it’s not despair. It’s more like Thoreau’s bumping-along-the-bottom-of=the-ocean=floor quiet desperation endured by most men (and probably even more women).. And It is like a fog, seeping into the corners of my attitude, poisoning my resilience.
I find myself alternating between lecturing myself sternly to “get down to business and get things done” and admitting defeat: “I just can’t force myself to do even the simplest tasks.” My formerly dependable get up and go has abandoned me.
It’s embarrassing and acutely painful to admit that I can’t live up to my own self-proclaimed standards. I don’t want anyone to know that I have fallen off the self esteem cliff, so I hunker down and hide, resting on my laurels, hoping no one will notice I haven’t DONE anything of importance in a long, long time.
I don’t want leave the house because I will have to Be Something I am not right now. I am ambivalent about donning the mask called Nice and Polite, yet I do. I wonder if all that pretending is taking a toll on my psyche. But I am too numb to notice. I am just trying to push myself through the day.
I’ll tell you the worst of it: I hate poor-me, pitiful complaining. When I Google “depression” I am thoroughly put off by the people who dump all their fine whines out in public. I hate them for wasting time writing about something that needs ACTION. Yet action is precisely what I cannot take at the moment. I am play-acting at living and that is unacceptable at all levels.
Could I give you a dozen reasons that I could justify feeling this way? Yes. Are any of them good enough to keep me stuck? No. So why am I stuck?
Depression is a cunning enemy and a deceitful friend. It pretends to want a cure, but smacks me down the minute I feel a rush of optimism. I have become the classic Pushmi-pullyu of Dr. Doolittle fame. I am trying to move two directions at once and am literally at a self stand-off.
Who know where this little stuck-in-the-muck game will go, or when. Wish I could give myself a kick in the behind but a stick of dynamic might be more appropriate. I just need to get myself out of this valley. The view is so much nicer from the mountain top.